In Preparation
by AmyH
Summary: Jack must be prepare himself to go under cover with the Salazars but there is an element to his cover that he is not willing to accept. At least not at this time. J/T slash. Rated T for now, could get worse. Chapter 6 is up..Reviews are welcomed.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I have no idea where this is going. I kind of do, but while writing this first part, I've discovered new avenues to travel. So, this is a crap shoot for all of us. Plus, I've never written this type of story before, so yeah. Good Luck to us all.

Also too, I own nothing, never have, and never will. I'm just borrowing the characters for a few moments and will return them to their original state (or some semblance of) when I am finished. Please do not sue as you can only stand to gain 3 cats and a library of Kiefer's movies, good and bad.

"You sure you want to do this, Jack?" Tony was concerned.

This was going to be one hell of a mission and if Jack couldn't pass himself off as one of them, they'd never get the information they needed. If their intel was correct, a deadly strain of virus was out there for sale and it certainly would be used to kill hundreds of thousands of people. They had to be sure.

"Yeah."

Jack practically jumped at the chance to go undercover in this operation. He studied the dossier on the Salazars and knew what they were capable of. He knew of the drug cartel they ran and knew the danger if he could not pass himself off as a useful, willing participant in their operation. Losing his life was a standard part of every mission, but far worse would be losing his soul if he got in too deep.

After what he had been through the past 3 years that was what worried Tony the most. He did not want to have to pick up the pieces of a broken Jack again. It was too hard the last time, although he knew he would if it came down to it. There were still a couple of weeks left to prepare before Jack left. Maybe he could talk him out of it before then. If not, then he could at least help him be as ready as possible.

Jack went home. He knew what was required of him and he didn't mind. In fact, after the first time, he began to look forward to it. He had been "practicing" for a couple of weeks now by injecting himself with small doses of heroin. There was no way the Salazars would believe his cover if he didn't demonstrate knowledge of the product they sold and an ability to handle it. And the release it gave him was amazing. For that brief span of time, nothing mattered, and it seemed that it never did. He fought hard against the effects in order to maintain some semblance of control, but every once in a while, he just went with it.

It had been only 30 minutes since he had used and he was riding the high, letting it's waves carry him to where they wanted, when someone knock at his door.

"Go away," he thought.

If he was still, perhaps they'd take the hint and leave him alone. But it came again. This time it was a little more insistent and accompanied by a voice calling his name.

"Shit," Jack muttered.

He recognized Tony's voice. He probably saw his car parked out front so there was no way he could pretend he was out. Damn it! His works were still on the coffee table. He had to put them away. Tony didn't need to know how he was preparing. Jack grabbed the stuff and tried to walk quietly to the kitchen, but he lost his balance and knocked into the end table that made a loud bang as it was shoved into the wall.

"Shit!" he said just a bit too loudly.

More knocking, but this time it was louder, and then, "Jack! I can hear you in there. Open up." Tony was not going away now.

"Hold on!" Jack called to him. He had to focus. Concentrating, he walked to the door and opened it. "What's so damned important?" Jack practically spit at him.

"You ok, man? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine." Jack said, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Gonna invite me in?"

"Sure. Help yourself, "he said standing aside to allow Tony in his apartment.

"We need to talk, Jack" Tony said, walking into his living room.

"About what?" Focusing was hard. He just wanted to be left alone.

"The mission."

Tony didn't really know how to continue. He had practiced his spiel on the way over to Jack's apartment, but it wasn't perfected and with someone like Jack, there was no telling how he'd react anyway.

"Can I sit?" Tony asked.

A gesture to confirm was the reply. As Tony sat on the couch, he spotted the rubber tourniquet on the cushions. He picked it up and placed it on the coffee table and just looked at Jack.

'Damn it.' Jack thought to himself. Part of him was ashamed, but obviously there was a part of him that wanted someone to know.

"You OK?" Tony asked again.

"Yeah," Jack said, a tone of irritability was evident.

"Look, you don't have to do this if you think it's going to be too much"

"I can do it, Tony!" he said, perhaps a bit more harshly than he had planned.

"Are you high?"

Jack just stared at him, hoping to avoid answering.

"Jack…"

"No, Tony. Don't. You know I have to be able to handle this stuff when I am down there. Don't think you didn't know this is was the price, because I did."

Tony couldn't say anything. He knew what Jack was doing was important to the mission, but he hated to see him this way. What if the price were too high?

"What did you need to talk about that we couldn't have covered at CTU?" Jack asked.

"How about a beer? Got any more left?" Tony asked, looking at several empty bottles on the coffee table and the bar leading to the kitchen. This was not going to be easy and courage, even liquid would be welcomed.

"Yeah, yeah, sure"

Jack got up and started for the kitchen. Tony watched him make his way into the other room.

Tony slumped over his knees, holding his head in his hands. Jack had been through too much and since he was using, what he had to say might be the thing that pushed him right over the edge. But then again, it might be Tony's saving grace. Jack might not be as resistant as he had expected.

"You OK?" Jack's voice was in his ear. Tony felt the warmth of his breath sweep gently against his neck.

"Yeah, man, thanks," he replied, taking the beer.

Jack sat down in the recliner. "So, what did you need to talk to me about?"

Tony took a long swig of his beer. "Um, yeah. About that. You sure you can handle everything that might go down there? I mean, you've read their dossier. You know they play for keeps, right?"

"Yeah, I know that, Tony" Jack replied.

"Are you prepared for that? You know what they do to newbies, don't you? Have you thought about how you will handle that?"

Truth was, Jack had thought about it, but not enough. He knew that one of the ways the Salazars maintained total control over their employees was by raping them repeatedly, among other things. He had been more concerned with how he'd handle the junk they'd give him that he hadn't thought much past that. Not until now.

The thought of them violating him made him nauseous. He just looked at Tony with a wide eyed expression. He was going to vomit. The combination of beer and the heroin was messing with his equilibrium and he was going to be sick. Jack held his fist up to his mouth and pointed one finger upward as if to say, 'Hold on'. He got up and stumbled into the kitchen. He was dry heaving in the sink when Tony got there.

Tony just put a hand on his shoulder to steady him and let him know that he wasn't alone. When the wave of nausea was over, Jack turned and looked at him. "Sorry," he said in a whisper and pushed past him. He paused long enough to grab the bottle of Beam from the cabinet and headed into the living room.

Tony followed him and sat back down on the couch. "That's not going to help, Jack. You need something to eat. When's the last time you ate something?"

"Don't wanna eat right now." Jack took a long swig straight from the bottle, grimacing a bit as he swallowed the bitter liquid. He held out the bottle for Tony to take. Tony took a swallow and handed it back.

"Fuck, Tony. What am I going to do? How am I supposed to handle _that_? I'll fucking kill him."

"And then what? You'd blow the whole operation if you killed him and then this," he said pointing at the tourniquet, "would be all for nothing."

"Well, not nothing, "Jack said with a wry grin.

"Are you addicted?"

"No! I can handle it when I want to. I've only used a little at a time to build a tolerance, not because I wanted or _had_ to."

"Sure." Tony wanted to believe him but the argument wasn't worth it at the moment.

They sat in silence for a while, passing the bottle back and forth.

"Jack?"

"Huh?"

"Drinking isn't going to make it go away. Do you want me to call off the mission?"

"Yeah, that will work. Call off the mission and let the Salazars get their hands on a weapons grade virus to kill God knows how many people just because I don't want to take it up the ass. And when the news starts covering the casualties, I can sit here in the comfort of my living room and watch, knowing that we could have prevented it, no, _I_ could have prevented it from happening but I chickened out."

"OK then. How are you going to deal with it?"

"I don't fucking know Tony!" Jack's voice was raised and the anger evident. He felt trapped. Damned if he did, even more damned, along with all of those innocent people, if he didn't.

"I could help you." Tony said quietly. He wanted to take back the words as soon as they left his lips. He hoped Jack hadn't heard him

Jack raised an eyebrow. "What'd you say?"

"Nothing"

"No, I heard you say something. What was it? Did you say you could help me? How, exactly?"

"I don't know. I just thought…never mind."

"Tony, do you want to fuck me?" Jack had a mischievous look in his eyes.

"Jesus Jack, no!"

"Then what did you mean by help me?"

"I don't know. Never mind." Tony swayed as he got up. "I'm going to go."

"You can't drive like that, Tony. Sit your ass down." Jack's voice was commanding and Tony did as he was told.

Jack took another pull from the bottle and started over to the couch where Tony was sitting, whacking his knee on the way. "Ow, shit!"

The cracking sound it made startled Tony. "Damn, Jack. You OK?"

Jack sat down next to him and hunched over, rubbing his knee. Tony bent over to examine the damage. "Let me see."

Their faces were just inches apart. Jack quickly closed the gap and pressed his lips against Tony's. The shock of Jack's mouth on his caused him to gasp slightly and Jack took that opportunity to slip his tongue in and deepen the kiss, He cupped the right side of his face with his left hand, his thumb smoothed over his cheek and he pushed him back against the cushions. Tony's response was automatic. He reached around with his left arm, and grabbed the back of Jack's head, and pulled him closer. He could taste the whiskey on his breath and smell the remnants of his morning aftershave. Tony felt Jack's hand slide down his throat while his other hand moved to cradle the back of his head. A small sigh escaped as Tony wrapped his right arm around Jack's waist pulling him closer still. Jack's hand tightened around Tony's throat but he did not break the kiss.

It was getting harder to breathe. "Jack," he muttered, "relax."

Jack broke away, his breathing rapid. His blue eyes bore into Tony's brown ones and his grip tightened further. Tony grabbed his wrist and tried to pull Jack's hand away from his throat but the grip was like iron and Jack had leverage. With his breaths coming in short gasps, Tony placed both hands squarely on Jack's chest and pushed him away, sending him reeling into the coffee table and the empty beer bottles crashing to the floor.

"Jack, God damn it!" he said wheezing, "What the hell?"

Jack placed his hands deliberately on the broken glass and pushed himself into a sitting position. He lifted his head slowly and looked at Tony with absolute hatred in his eyes and said "Get the fuck out of my house."


	2. Chapter 2

Tony got up, walked across the living room and out of the door letting it slam behind him. His breathing was slowly becoming more regular but it still felt as if Jack's hand around his throat, He got into his car, started the engine and turned up the air conditioning full blast, hoping the cold air would help sober him up enough to drive because he couldn't and wouldn't stay there for one more minute.

Tony focused his thoughts on getting home safely. He took each turn with care, made sure he did the speed limit and within 15 minutes he was parked and securely in his home without incident. He dropped down on his couch and stared into nothing. The whole evening felt like a bad dream and he really wished he would wake up. He had told himself to expect a negative reaction from Jack when he brought up the subject but he didn't expect the positive reaction. Nor did he anticipate his own response.

He wanted to be angry and he was, at himself, not Jack. He alone started it and Jack had finished it. If the roles were reversed he would have just told Jack to fuck off and been done with it. He would have never initiated the intimate contact in the first place. What the hell was he thinking going over there to discuss that anyway? Jack read the profile; he knew what was in store. It was up to him to figure out how to deal with it.

Tony got up and poured himself a drink. The more he thought about it, the more agitated he got. He had to find a way to deal with this at work. He hoped Jack would just let it go since there were only two weeks left before he went undercover. There were other last minute details that needed their attention if this was to go smoothly.

And what of Michelle? There was no possible way to explain this to her, and really no reason to. It wasn't like it was going happen again. As far as he was concerned, this night never happened at all. But that kiss still ghosted his lips. He tried to scrub it off with the back of his hand; burn it off with the whiskey, yet it lingered still.

Jack held his position until he heard the door slam. The tremors started in his torso and soon traveled through his arms and legs. His whole body shook as the adrenalin completed its course through his body. Each tremor grounded the broken glass further into his palms. He welcomed the pain and made no attempt to move until he felt his stomach tighten and heave in an endeavor to expel its contents. He got up and almost made it to the bathroom before the impact of the spasms brought him to his knees and the waves of nausea overtook him.

Jack leaned back against the door frame exhausted. His head was swimming and he couldn't focus without the nausea coming back. He closed his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing but every time he did he saw Tony's face. Tony's face when he leaned in to kiss him, Tony's face when he told him to get out of his house. He brought his hand up to wipe away the sweat from his brow and finally saw the blood that seeped out of the cuts the glass had made. He got up slowly, walked into the bathroom and let the cold water run over his wounded hands.

Jack scraped out the larger pieces of glass with his fingernails. The left over slivers would have to wait until morning when he was more coherent. He stumbled into his bedroom and fell into bed fully clothed. He closed his eyes against the spinning room.

The scene that played behind his eyelids was worse. Jesus. Did he really kiss Tony? It was all cloaked in such a haze. It had to have been a dream. But it felt real, tasted real. He kissed Tony, inhaled him. Caressed him. His hands had held him and his mouth had sought his with a hunger he had forgotten since Teri. And he wanted it, wanted him. He had wanted to surrender himself to the trust he knew was between them. He felt Tony's arm snake around his waist, pulling him closer and the feel of another human that close to him made him want to lose himself in that touch.

But Christ! Why couldn't it have been a woman who made him feel that way? He and Kate had a good thing going at first but that relationship was doomed from the start. He could never be what she needed him to be and he hadn't been willing to try anyway. It didn't have to be Kate; it could have been any number of women. He never had a problem getting laid. But did it have to be another _man_? Did it have to be _Tony_ who made him feel that way? And just what was it that he was feeling? Nothing. Fuck it. It was the drugs and alcohol talking. Had to be because he wasn't gay and he was _not _going to be fucked by another man. It was as simple as that. If one of the Salazars tried to, well, he would just have to figure out a way to get out of it. In the meantime he needed sleep and to forget. Forget the night and banish the feelings.

The next morning came way too early. Jack's internal clock was set to 5 AM and it never took a day off. His mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton and his head felt like the bass drum in some marching band. The light on in his bathroom caught his eye and after a brief moment of confusion, he remembered. He got up and peered in the bathroom to find drying droplets of blood and pieces of glass in the sink. As he walked into the living room, he saw his coffee table overturned and the shattered beer bottles on the floor. He carefully made his way to the kitchen and got the broom and dust pan and began to clean up the mess. When he was finished, he slumped on the couch. Everything was going to be an effort today. He closed his eyes briefly but when he did, that kiss was replayed and it was just not something he was ready to deal with at the moment. If fact, he hoped it would fade from memory more quickly than not. He showered and tended to the last of the slivers of glass lodged in his palms. Once dressed, he left for work.


	3. Chapter 3

Tony had gotten to work early and was sorting through the overnight briefings for the morning meeting when Jack arrived. He pretended not to notice him as he climbed the stairs to his office. They had never exchanged morning pleasantries but he could feel the air shift when Jack walked by. His peripheral vision caught the lights flickering on in his office. When he glanced up, Jack was staring down at him from his office window. He suppressed an involuntary shudder and focused on the paper in front of him.

"Hey. I missed you last night," Michelle said as she put her hand on his arm. Tony unintentionally jumped at the touch.

"Are you OK?" she asked, withdrawing her hand.

"Yeah. Sorry. You startled me. What'd you say?"

"I said I missed you last night. Are you sure you're alright?" concern crept into her voice.

"I missed you too. I just didn't sleep very well." He managed a smile.

She bowed her head and grinned slightly. "Maybe tonight you'll sleep better."

"Heh. Maybe." He said and gave her a crooked smile. "Come on. It's time for the meeting."

Everyone was assembled and waiting when Tony walked into the conference room. Everyone except Jack.

"Where's Jack?" Tony asked.

"I'm here, Tony" Jack voice came over the speaker phone.

"Couldn't make it in person?" Tony's tone was biting.

Though he was glad Jack wasn't in the room with him to provide distraction, he mentally kicked himself for having lashed out like a scorned teenager.

"Is there something that I'd miss by not physically being there?"

Everyone in room shifted uncomfortably. It was clear that Jack and Tony were not in the best of moods and none of them wanted to bear witness to a clash of the titans.

Tony looked towards Jack's office and caught his eye. His glare made Tony swallow hard. He looked up at the assembled staff and began the meeting.

"So what was that about?" Michelle asked after the meeting was over.

"What was what about, Michelle?"

"The thing between you and Jack. It was obvious to everyone in the room, Tony."

"There was no _thing._"

"Ok, if you say so. I gather that your talk with him last night didn't go well?"

"You could say that."

It was apparent that Tony didn't want to talk about it so Michelle let it drop.

Jack paced his office. There were so many small details to go over but he didn't have the patience. Several times he found himself staring down at Tony through his office window. More than half of the time, Tony was staring back at him.

"Jack?" A voice came over the speaker phone.

"What?"

"Your meeting with Tony and Gael is in 5 minutes"

"Yeah."

Jesus, he needed a fix. He was trying to control the cravings, but it was getting harder.

They were in the conference room when he walked in.

"You don't look so good, Jack" Gael said. "Coming down with something?"

"I'm fine," Jack replied.

Tony just looked at him. He was pale and his face was covered with a light sheen of perspiration that belied what he had suspected the night before. He was getting hooked.

"Let's get on with it." Jack said as he sat down and flipped open his binder.

The meeting lasted about 30 minutes, 29 minutes longer than Jack would have liked. He managed to pay some sort of attention but the buzzing in his ears kept getting louder and it made it difficult to concentrate, not to mention being in such close proximity to Tony. When it was finally over, he practically fled the room.

He was in the men's room splashing water on his face when Tony came in.

"Jack we need to talk."

"And that worked out so well the last time you said that. No thanks. I'm good."

"Look at yourself! You're pale and sweaty and when I handed you the brief your hand shook so much the paper rattled."

"Leave me alone, Tony." It came as more of a threat than a request.

"No, Jack. I will not have you jeopardizing this operation. Either get your shit together or quit."

"I'm _fine_." He started past Tony.

"No, you are _not_."

Tony grabbed his arm as he went by and pinned him against the wall

"You will _**not**_ fuck this up. You will not fuck _**yourself**_ up because of this."

Jack just stared at him, searching his eyes. He felt Tony relax his grip and stood in his gaze just a moment longer before he pushed him away. He strode toward the door and gripped the handle, "Yeah," he said as he pulled the door open and walked out.

Tony dropped his head and held on to the wall for support as the emotionally charged moment waned. That man was absolutely infuriating. He wished he didn't care as much as he did. It would be easier to leave him alone and let him cope with the consequences, but he for reasons that were unclear, he wasn't willing to let that happen.

Jack seemed to be on the verge of self-destruction and though he had been able to walk that fine line in years past, it might not be as easy this time. Against his better judgment, Tony wanted to watch over him while he could. The look in Jack's eyes just moments before solidified that for him.

"Michelle. Did you see Jack go past here?"

"Yeah. He went to his office. What happened? He seemed more irritable than usual"

"Don't worry about it. I'm going to handle it. Can you get the paperwork filed for a leave of absence? He needs some time off before the mission to get his affairs in order."

She never liked knowing that affairs need to be in order. She didn't want to acknowledge that there was an outcome other than the one they strived to achieve even though it was a very real possibility.

"And if he doesn't take it?"

"He will or I'll have him put on a forced administrative leave."

Michelle watched as Tony headed to Jack's office. Something was going down and it worried her that Tony was obviously as concerned as he was.

Jack tinted his office windows for privacy as soon as he got in. The light from the fluorescent bulbs in the outer offices shone brightly in his and made him feel exposed. Plus, it aggravated the headache he had been struggling against for the entire morning.

Though all he wanted to do was lie down on the couch, he sat down at his computer and started to pull up the files associated with the Salazars. He needed to review the most recent intel and try to piece it together with what he already knew so he'd be better able to adapt his cover to what they required..

The most recent file created would not come up on his screen. Some DFAS005 error kept flashing in red and though he tried clicking on continue or even cancel, it was stuck in a loop and would not go away. In frustration he slammed his fists down on the keyboard and shoved it to the side.

He was burning up. It was just too hot in the office. He went over to the thermostat and turned it down, though the thermometer was already reading 62 degrees.. The pain from a sudden cramp in his stomach made him double over. It was at that moment Tony walked in unannounced.

"Jesus, Jack!"

Tony hurried over to him and helped him to the couch. He could feel the heat emanating from his body. He grabbed a bottle of water sitting on the desk and poured a little of it on the back of Jack's neck to cool him off.

"Do you want me to call the medic?

Jack shook his head "No".

"How long have you been experiencing this type of reaction?"

"Just a couple of days," Jack whispered.

He winced and clutched his stomach as another spasm claimed him. "It was never this bad"

"Where is the stuff?"

"What?"

"Where do you keep your stash?"

"I don't fix at work, Tony"

Jack's breaths were coming in ragged gasps Tony started to massage his back. His hand moving in slow, deliberate circles, hoping to have a calming effect

"You might not, but you need to now. Where is it?"

"In the car I don't bring it in."

"OK. We are going to your car. Can you make it?"

"Give me a minute, OK?"

The last wave of cramping and nausea passed within a couple of minutes thanks to the constant massaging. Tony felt him start to relax, his breathing was becoming more regular.

"Let's go before it gets bad again."

They got up and started for the door.

"Tony?" Jack grabbed his arm..

"Huh?" Tony turned to face him.

Jack leaned in and pressed his lips against his.

"Thank you."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I hope I'm not losing you in details or you think this is dragging on. It will pick up...I hope. LOL

"Don't Jack. You don't want this. Come on," Tony said as he opened the door.

Jack narrowed his eyes and followed him out.

"Go on and check out with security. I have to talk to Michelle for a minute but I'll be right behind you."

Jack looked over at Michelle and caught the worried look on her face. "Yeah," he said and headed off toward the exit.

Tony willed his heart to return to its normal pace.

"Did you get the paperwork?" he asked when he reached Michelle's desk.

"HR is backed up. They said it would have it by the end of the day though." She lowered her voice, "Tony, what's going on? Jack looks like hell and you don't look much better."

"I'm fine, just tired. Look, we have to go over to Division for a meeting. Can you handle things while I'm gone?"

"Yeah, but what meeting? I didn't see one scheduled for you today."

"It just came up. It shouldn't take too long. I'll be back before you know it."

He hated to lie to her like that. He himself wasn't sure what was going on and he certainly couldn't explain it to anyone.

He checked out with security and left the building.

Tony found Jack squatted down and leaning on the back tire of his SUV, his arms wrapped around his waist and eyes squeezed shut. He hunched down next to him and put his hand on his shoulder, "Hey, come on. Let's get your stuff and go." Jack nodded as he opened his eyes and took a deep breath. Tony helped him up and waited while he got what he needed from the vehicle. They walked to his car in silence.

"Are you sure this is your car?" Jack teased as he opened the passenger door and got in. In stark contrast to what it had been before, the car was immaculate. Not one fast food wrapper or empty water bottle was on the passenger seat or floor board.

"Heh, yeah. Different, huh?"

"Yeah. She's good for you."

"She is.", he said as he started the car.

"So, where are we going?" Tony asked as they pulled out of the CTU lot.

"There's a park about 5 blocks up and to the right. It's pretty quiet there."

They rode the short distance in silence. Tony pulled the car into a parking space by an empty shelter away from the few other people who were there.

"Why don't you go for a walk?" Jack said. It was more of a request than a suggestion.

"No, I'd prefer to stay. You go ahead and do what you need to do."

"I don't want to do this in front of you, so will you please go?"

"Jack, I got you into this…"

"No, you didn't," Jack interrupted. "This was my decision, not yours."

"Maybe, but I feel responsible. You need to know you aren't alone in this."

"You won't be with me in Mexico, will you? I will be alone there and I'd like to be alone now. Ten minutes, _please_."

"Fine." Tony got out of the car and walked away.

At the fifteen minute mark, Tony walked back to the car. Jack was reclined in the passenger seat, his paraphernalia spread out on the middle console for anyone to see if they so chose to look in the window.

"Jack! Wake up!" Tony shook him. "You can't leave this stuff out in plain sight. Get it together, man. What if someone walked by?"

Jack slowly opened his eyes and looked over at Tony. He saw him putting the needle and vial back in his kit. Jack grabbed his wrist and bent it backward causing him to drop the kit. "Don't touch it." The words came out as a warning.

"You had better make sure you get everything. I don't want Michelle to find anything in here." Tony pulled away, slammed the car door and walked back to the shelter.

"Damn it." Jack muttered under his breath. Tony was doing nothing but trying to be a friend and he was acting like an ass. He put everything back in the kit and got out of the car.

Jack sat down next to Tony on the picnic bench.

"How's your wrist?"

"It's not broken."

"Good. Sorry about that."

"Yeah."

After a couple of minutes Tony said, "I've been thinking. I want you to take a leave of absence, starting today until you go undercover."

"I can't. There is too much left to be done in preparation for this op."

"Gael and I can handle it. If there is any new information, I'll pass it along to you. You can tap into the files from your laptop. If we need you in a meeting, I can conference you in. You need this time to take care of things at home before you go."

"What things, Tony?" Jack was getting irritated. "Kim can take care of herself – it's not like she lives with me."

Tony sighed. "I can't have a repeat of today, or the past several days. Your mood swings have everyone on edge, and yes, I now know why, but I can't very well use that to justify it to the others in the office. I need them to concentrate on the tasks at hand instead of worrying that you'll come stomping in like a troll and berate them for things that aren't their fault."

"If they'd do their jobs right in the first place..."

Tony cut him off. "Everyone excels at their jobs, Jack. Now this is a request, but if necessary, I can get Chappelle to make it an order. Your choice."

They sat in silence for several minutes.

"You haven't given me much of a choice. Let's go." Jack got up and headed for the car.

Tony tapped on the door to Jack's office as he pushed it open. "I brought the forms you need to sign. Need any help?"

Jack was putting together the files he needed to take home. "I got it."

He took the papers from him and sat at his desk. After skimming through them, he signed and dated the last page. "Here," he said handing them back to Tony.

"Thanks. Look Jack, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You are doing what you have to, as am I. It's OK. I am leaving for the ranch a week from today. You and Gael better make sure you have everything together."

"A week from today? You can't just push things up like that. We've got everything on track for two weeks out."

"Then you better step it up because I'm leaving next Thursday." Jack got up and grabbed his briefcase.

"Look, I know you're pissed off but that is no reason to jeopardize this whole thing."

"You have no idea what I am feeling right now," he said as he put the files in his case.

"Then why don't you tell me, because I am tired of playing this game."

"That's just it. It's not a game, not to me," Jack said, his jaw clenched. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home." He picked up his briefcase and walked out of the office, leaving Tony standing there, bewildered.

"So, how'd did Jack take going on leave?" Michelle asked, taking a sip from her glass of wine.

She and Tony had decided on Italian for dinner and were enjoying authentic cuisine in a cozy little restaurant they had discovered a few weeks ago.

"He had no choice. I told him either he took the suggestion or I would have Chappelle order it."

"Bet that didn't go over well."

"No, no it didn't. But what else could I do? He was getting out of control. He couldn't even focus at the meeting today."

"The one at Division?" Michelle asked. She had called to confirm the meeting since she hadn't gotten a bulletin on it, so she knew there was no meeting.

"No, the one with me and Gael," Tony said "It was like he wasn't even in the same room with us and when it was over, he bolted."

"So he was OK at the meeting with Division?" Michelle was baiting.

"There was no meeting at Division," Tony confessed. "That was a lie"

"I know."

"I'm sorry, Michelle. I needed to help Jack with something and I couldn't tell you what. Still can't."

"That's fine Tony. But don't lie to me. Just say you have to go out or something. I know there are things you two do that I can't know about, but don't out right lie to me. It puts me in a bad situation. What if Division had called for you? How would I have responded?"

"I know. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Better not."

"It won't. I promise," he said, taking her hand. "You're amazing, you know that, right?"

"Yeah and you better know it too," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. "Just because you're cute doesn't mean I won't hesitate to throw you to wolves if you do something like that again."

He smiled, leaned over the table and kissed her.

They continued their meal and the conversation lagged. Tony was lost in his thoughts, replaying the day's events.

"You're worried about him, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Did it ever occur to you that he might be scared?"

"Jack isn't afraid of anything except maybe losing Kim, but she seems to have calmed down some in the past few months."

"Maybe, but I think he puts up a front most of the time. He's a human being, Tony. Not a machine."

.Maybe Michelle was right. Maybe Jack _was_ scared. The thought really never occurred to him until she said it out loud. "That might be reasoning behind some his actions and reactions in the past 24 hours," Tony thought. "What if that kiss this morning was his way of reaching out to me and I dismissed him?"

As he looked across the table and marveled at Michelle's beauty, his guilt was compounded as the urge to leave her and go to Jack became stronger.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This has taken on a life of its own. Sorry if it seems drawn out

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Jack finished setting up a temporary workstation at the kitchen table. He didn't much feel like working so he left it, changed clothes, and sat on the couch. He was restless and bored and really, really wanted to do another hit, but it was too early. Twice a day was what he had decided when he started using and though he could allow himself one more, it wasn't yet time. He was going to save that for the later, keeping it as close to bedtime as possible in order to sleep. He decided to go for a run instead.

The day's events weighed heavily on his mind as he started his usual circuit. In the forefront was the forced leave of absence. He was angry with Tony for giving him no real choice in the matter. Who was he to make these decisions for him? As he approached the two mile mark, he had worked it out in his mind that maybe Tony was right to make him leave. He could be unreasonable and impatient at times and as hard as it was to admit, the effects of the drugs were not solely to blame.

Still, in the back of his mind he wondered if Tony's ultimatum had anything to do with the indiscretions of the past 24 hours. He had to laugh to himself. An indiscretion was one way to look at it but if he were honest, he fucking made out with Tony on his couch last night. And then tried to choke him. So, that would be a good reason for Tony to react the way he did this afternoon when his kissed him again. Jesus! Why did he do it again? There was no real answer other than it just seemed natural. And what was it Tony said again? 'You don't want this'. Not "_I_ don't want this", but "Y_ou_ don't want this". Did that mean Tony did want…What exactly did Tony want?

Tony was well aware that Jack had fully read the file on the Salazars and knew what to expect. Why did he feel the need to reiterate that particular point? His offer of help was unnerving, but intriguing nonetheless. What were his motives? He guessed it didn't really matter after what transpired this afternoon. Whatever might have been wouldn't be now. Was he feeling sorry about that? It nagged him. His run had turned into a slower paced jog. It was obvious the drug habit was stealing some of his physical prowess.

The whole afternoon's events bothered him. He should have never let Tony see him hurting like that. That was his first mistake. Maybe it was his second. Still, he should have never let his guard down. However good it felt to have someone to whom he could hand over his burdens; someone who would help him without provocation, he knew he could not let it happen again, even if he so desperately wanted or needed it. He was not about to be tangled in the netting of needing another person again. It was too hard to recover when it collapsed.

He missed Teri. He would have given everything he had, and stolen what he did not, to have her back again. However, she was gone and he was learning to live with it. The passion they shared would never be felt again, but last night came very close. This was what troubled him the most. Even though he could never be with her again, he had found himself experiencing nearly the same level of desire in the brief moment he shared with Tony. And that scared the hell out of him.

He walked the last two blocks in an effort to cool down. His muscles throbbed but he felt more alive than he had all week. His mind was clearer though with everything that had happened and the anticipation of what would happen in the future, maybe that wasn't such a good thing.

Jack entered his house and threw his keys on the table. As he grabbed a bottle of water, he surveyed the contents of the refrigerator. There wasn't much of a selection if you were at all hungry. Beer, water, and stray jars of condiments were about the only things available, unless you counted the Styrofoam container of graying meat and rice. That was possibly the second good thing about this little habit of his. He was never hungry anymore and since he didn't really care for cooking, it was working for him.

He felt a good soreness in his muscles as he walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Food would have to wait until he cleaned up a bit. He stripped down and stepped into the warm spray.

The pulsating rhythm of the water beat on his aching muscles. He placed his hands on the opposite shower wall and let the jets of water work out the kinks. He couldn't get his head wrapped around what he felt when his kissed Tony. He had done it to try to prove to himself that he could without emotion. Not that he could have done without being high or drunk. He was never that good an actor to have gone against his nature like that without chemical assistance.

But emotion did come into play. It was want. And when Tony wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him in closer, it had become anger. Anger because the want had become greater and because his body was reacting to it. And then embarrassment because of his body's reaction, though he was pretty sure Tony didn't notice. And the embarrassment made him even angrier. After Tony had pushed him away, shame came into play. He was ashamed of his anger, but he did not recognize that until after Tony left because the anger had gripped him so tightly.

He had tried to apologize, not that he ever came out and vocalized it, but in his own way, he had tried. The kiss this afternoon was his attempt to apologize and say "Please don't give up on me." But, he had acted like too much of an ass to warrant forgiveness. There was no way he could blame Tony for his reaction. He had pushed away the one person who could have possibly helped him. No, scratch that, the one person who _had_ helped him.

He would just have to make do on his own. When the helicopter landed a few miles outside of the compound and dropped him off, he would be on his own, against them all. There was no telling what they would have him do in order to prove his loyalty. The few ideas he had sent shivers up his spine and justified the newly acquired drug habit. It wasn't just the cold blooded thoughts in his mind that made him shiver, however, the water had run cold also. He quickly turned it off and toweled dry.

Though he was no longer hungry, he ordered a pizza anyway. If he were ever to regain his appetite, there should be food available. He grabbed a beer and turned on the TV to pass the time as he waited for the delivery.

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The odor of sausage and tomato sauce made his stomach roil. Pizza was a bad idea. He took the bottle of whiskey with him into the living room leaving the rancid smelling pie on the stove, hoping for a better reception next time.

There was no reason to wait any longer. He could fix anytime he wanted to now. He had given himself permission. The thought made him smile inwardly. He was excited at the prospect of the rush, the release. Taking the case from the top of his bedroom closet, he sat on his bed, tied the tourniquet tightly around his left bicep, and made a fist. He shook the vial and held it up to the light. There was maybe one more dose left. He would cook up more tomorrow. The brown liquid was drawn up into the syringe and Jack just stared at it. It was maybe more that his usual amount but not by that much. The syringe held his escape from all of the day's bullshit. He would not worry about what did or did not happen with Tony or about what would happen in Mexico. He would be free of the memories of Teri that still haunted him daily. Free of the guilt he still held because of her passing. Free. Smiling, he held the needle over his vein, waited, and enjoyed the anticipation. With a quick prick and depression of the plunger it was done. He pulled the needle out and untied the tourniquet.

And there were no thoughts to be thought. One or two floated by but he couldn't be bothered to reach for them. They waved as they continued down the ribbon of consciousness headed for areas unknown. Jack snickered to himself as they headed toward the recesses of his mind. 'There are things in there you don't want to see 'he called out to them and snickered again. A large red and angry thought passed by screaming 'How much did you take?' He managed to wave his middle finger at it before it was sucked into the black hole that opened up in the landscape of his mind. The hole was getting larger and he wasn't sure he would be able to resist the pull. Wasn't sure he wanted to, really. A bell was ringing in the distance. He looked around but couldn't see where it was coming from but it got increasingly louder. It sounded like it was right on top of him and when he looked up he saw the bell was descending upon him and the clapper about to knock him off his feet. He jumped up and grabbed a hold of it to muffle the sound. Jack let out a yell as he was about to be smashed against the sound bow and then darkness consumed him and all sound was voided as he was sucked into the vortex. And he slept.

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Tony excused himself to the restroom leaving Michelle to ponder the dessert menu. He barely got out of her line of vision when he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and tried Jack's number as he walked into the men's room. On the fourth ring, he heard what sounded like someone picking up the receiver, dropping it and then he heard what sounded like Jack letting out a yell before the line went dead. He hung up and tried the number again, only to get the fast busy signal of a receiver off the hook. The third time he called the operator to see if she could break in only to be told what he already knew. That the phone was possibly off the hook and thank you for calling AT & T. He threw his phone against the wall in frustration and worry that would soon become panic.


	6. Chapter 6

Tony picked up the pieces of his phone and tucked them in his pocket. He splashed cold water on his face and tried to pull himself together. Jack was a grown man and did not require babysitting. He had gotten through worse. He had also acted like an ass, so he should be pissed, not worried and besides, he had a beautiful woman waiting for him just outside the door. Still, he knew in his heart that he wouldn't rest until he confirmed that everything was all right.

"I ordered us some dessert." Michelle said as he rejoined her at the table. She looked over and studied him for a moment. "Are you OK? You look pale."

"Yeah", he started "No... I don't know. I tried to call Jack and he answered, yelled something, and hung up. I tried to call back but the phone is off the hook."

"He's probably just angry about the leave," she said, "But you're worried, I can tell. Do you want to stop by his place on the way back?"

It was all he could do to keep from agreeing but instead he said "No, this is our night. Jack will be fine once he's rationalized it out."

"Our dessert is here!" Michelle smiled at him.

Tony smiled back hoping that the inner turmoil he was feeling wasn't displayed on his face. In the meantime, he shared the tiramisu with Michelle and tried to be fully in the moment.

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"Hey! Tony? Have you heard a word I said?" Michelle's voice snapped him out of his thoughts which seemed to be on a continuous loop concerning Jack and the possible scenarios that would end up with his phone off the hook.

"Honestly, no. I'm sorry. I was just thinking." They were about five minutes from her apartment and he really wanted to focus on her and the rest of their evening together but his brain was not cooperating.

"About Jack, right?" her tone was gentle. "There is obviously more to this than what you've told me. Why don't you try him again?"

She continually surprised him. Any other woman would have been, at the very least, irritated but she was nothing less than supportive and always seemed to know what he needed. If he was ever unsure of his feelings for her, he wasn't now. He reached over and took her hand.

"Maybe." He didn't want to explain how his phone got damaged so he said "I'll try from your phone when we get to your place. He'll be more likely to answer if he thinks you're the one calling."

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When they got inside, Michelle tossed her purse on the side table. "I'm going to change and fix us another glass of wine while you try Jack again," she said as she walked out of the room.

Tony picked up the phone and dialed Jack's home number, wondering what he'd say if he answered. Still the fast busy signal. It had been almost an hour since he last called. He tried his cell phone which was never off or out of range. It just rang and then went to voice mail. He left a message knowing that he wouldn't get a return call in what he deemed an acceptable period of time.

"Still no answer?" she handed him a glass of wine.

He sat on the couch, and took the glass from her, "No. The home phone is still off the hook and his cell just rang until voice mail picked up."

Michelle frowned and a worried look passed over her face as she sat next to him. "That's not like him to not pick up his cell, but he could be in the shower." She took a sip of her wine.

"Yeah, I know." He paused, "You're probably right". He put his glass down on the coffee table and turned to her.

The look on his face said it all. "Go on. Find out what's going on with him and let me know, OK?" She took his hand and smiled.

He cupped his hands to her face and kissed her. Touching his forehead to hers, he said "I love you."

"I love you too. Now go before I change my mind." He got up and headed for the door. "Don't forget to call me!" she called to him as he opened the door.

"Um, yeah…I kind of dropped my phone at the restaurant and broke it."

Michelle rolled her eyes and got up. She rummaged through her purse and pulled out her cell. "Here, take mine. Don't you dare break it too. You can give it to me tomorrow at the office."

He took it from her but not before pulling her in for one more kiss. "Thanks."

She watched as he took off in a slow jog to his car. Whatever was going on with Jack had unnerved him and it worried her. She wanted to help but unless she was let in the loop, all she could to do was to be supportive and pray.

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In Tony's mind, the twenty minute cross town drive was going to take forever. If he could have materialized at Jack's front door, he would have. He had no basis for the panic that had threatened to overtake him since Michelle had casually mentioned that he might be afraid. Intuition told him he needed to be there He knew that if something unthinkable like an overdose had occurred, he was already too late and had he thought that a possibility, he would have called 911 long before now. No, this wasn't life threatening, but the need to be by his side didn't let up.

He had second guessed his visit to Jack's last night a hundred times before he actually got the courage to go. In the end, he felt he had to be sure Jack was fully aware of damage this operation could inflict upon him. Tony had no idea that he would start using, though in a way, it made sense. Jack was the strongest person he knew in terms of character and conviction. Emotionally, to the casual observer, he was removed. But Tony was no casual observer. He had seen what these missions did to him. He witnessed the devastation that was wrought upon him when Teri passed away and his daughter cast him aside. He was grateful that Kim was back in his life as it had helped heal him somewhat but the hole that was created that horrible day would never be fully closed.

Jack was a man who always felt as if he were on the edge of losing everything, Tony thought. He was unable to see his value even as he worked so hard to make himself worthy. It seemed to him that he was afraid he would lose it all at a moment's notice. And there it was again. Jack was afraid. It was so easy to see now that Michelle had opened his eyes.

There was a whole other situation to deal with. Michelle. She was amazing and beautiful and possibly the only woman in the world who would willingly relinquish a romantic night so he could check on a friend without having to know every detail. He loved her. It made no sense to him why he left her to be with Jack; why his need to be with him overpowered his need to be with her. He could only think it was because Jack would be leaving soon for Mexico and there was no telling what would happen to him while he was there. If he would be the same person when he came back and he just had to let him know that he was worthy. That he cared for him. And that was yet another situation to be dealt with later. The whys and wherefores could not be analyzed right now, if ever. It just was.

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Jack's eyes snapped open. He had opened the nightstand drawer to get his firearm when he heard Tony's voice calling his name. As he turned towards the door, he saw him standing in the doorway.

"Jack! Are you OK?"

"What the hell are you doing here, Tony? How'd you get in?"

Relief washed over him, but his tone conveyed the anger, frustration, and worry that had plagued him all evening. "Jesus! You scared me to death! I call and hear you yell out something and then your phone goes dead. When I try back, it's off the hook. You didn't answer your cell either." He walked in the room and saw the kit open; syringe and tourniquet on the bed.

Jack glanced over to his nightstand. The phone was indeed off the hook, and his cell was flashing the red message light. He looked over at Tony and saw him looking at the open kit lying on his bed. Realization hit him like a sucker punch to the gut and he sank down on the edge of his bed, head in his hands. "Sorry".

Tony walked over and sat next to him. "If this is too much, we can call it off. We can get you help."

Jack lifted his head and looked at him. Tony was visibly shaken. He reached over and took his hand. "We are too far into it now. I can't quit the mission but I do need your help."

Tony dropped his head, closed his eyes, and regulated his breathing. He squeezed Jack's hand, lifted his head, looked into his eyes, searching for a reason or a lie, and found nothing but truth. "Put that away," he said nodding to the kit. "I'll be back in a minute."

Tony went into the living room and called Michelle.

"Is everything OK?" she asked as she answered the phone.

"Yeah, he's physically OK. I think I am going to stay with him tonight though. There's just stuff…"

"It's OK, Tony. I know. Well, no, I don't know – but I trust you. I'm glad you are there with him."

"I love you." He closed his eyes and smiled. Never again would anyone be this lucky in love.

"I love you too."

He closed the phone, took a deep breath, grabbed the whiskey bottle, and headed back into the bedroom.


End file.
